He bought me a drink and told me he flew planes as a hobby.He put his hand up my skirt a bit, and invited me to go with him and his friends to a bar downtown. “I’m just going to run next door to my place and change out of my suit.” We half-kissed.With risk comes autonomy.”That last part really resonated with me.
When I finally made it back to my apartment, out of breath, all I could think was: How is it possible that people used to meet in bars? My friend Kaitlin—a flirtatious, 26-year-old writer—is one of them.Kaitlin dates a lot of guys and meets them all in real life. well, they fall in lust.”“But aren’t you curious to date someone who you’d never meet in your regular life,” I asked her, “like a podiatrist from the Upper West Side or something?Twenty minutes later he was back, now wearing a deep V-neck T-shirt, giant gold sneakers, and aviator lenses. In the space of one drink, my tweedy, intellectual Jew had transformed into a DJ from Ibiza.People say that you never know who you’re talking to online.She says she doesn’t do dating apps, because she doesn’t make sense in 2-D: “I’m just better in context,” Kaitlin recently told me over the phone. ”“That actually sounds horrifying to me,” she said.
“I’m kind of a lot—most people, when they meet me, want to fuck me or kill me. I’m not afraid to low-key blackout while drinking, so it just makes more sense that I meet people in the wild. “I’m just not interested in anonymous experiences or having sex with people outside the culture industry.”Ultimately, what Kaitlin wants is for men to be vetted—whether through social connections, or simply by having her friends help her assess whether a guy at the bar is fuck-worthy.
For instance, this Danish poet I’ve been fucking—he’s so interesting and smart, he’s 6-foot-4, but he has these sideburns . “The general attitude used to be, ‘Online dating is for weirdos and losers,’ and now it’s, ‘Eww, who would try to hook up in a bar?
—that’s for weirdos and losers.’ Today, you go to a bar to chat with your friends, not to hook up.” Which, in turn, clearly has made the latter a harder thing to do in recent years.
We’ve known in sociology for a long time that common social connections between people leads to a sense of trust.
This is in part because there are more opportunities for social sanctioning.”But for some people, this type of mediation can be bad, because it can result in your friends judging you, or policing your behavior.
It felt very testosterone-heavy, which I took as a good sign. Eventually, I was drunk enough to just grab someone by the arm and pull him toward me (surprisingly effective).