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She then took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd.

When she looked across the hood, she found herself staring at her husband, who had been standing idly by. " I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, Ill be looking for the remote, but I wont remember that its on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first Ill water the flowers.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead. At the end of the day: the car isnt washed, the bills arent paid, there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter, the flowers dont have enough water, there is still only one cheque in my cheque book, I cant find the remote, I cant find my glasses, and I dont remember what I did with the car keys.

We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it." Judge: "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up? The officer calmly tells him of the red light violation."Woman: "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."Judge: "Is your husband a nagger? The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit and offensive terms." "I go in at well past 9 oclock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar.Come 2 a.m., as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. "Woman: "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." Judge: "Do you have a real grudge?As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey, the donkey fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story: After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

From the Hamilton Spectator Daily News comes this story of a Burlington, Ontario couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have it break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

And sure enough, there's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.