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I've crunched the numbers (numbers = smoked almonds), and come up with this informative Tinder guide for you ladies wading into the digital dating poo.

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The Animal Lover is perhaps the most confusing of all Tinder types.

Sometimes you see a cute dog pic and your instinct is to swipe right imeeds. You're drunk** of a man's back as he admires a scenic overlook; view of a man surfing from 3 blocks away; group shot taken with more than one person, or worse, multiple group shots; selfie taken in the dead of night. But if there is no photo of the man whatsoever, take that square, drag it to the left, and let's never talk about it again.

The concept is simple: Sign in using your Facebook account, pick your best photos (most of mine originated from the Hubble Space Telescope for prime thinness), and begin swiping people you want to date to the right, and people who must really REALLY have some serious issues happening if your desperate ass doesn't want to date them, to the left. (Only here in LA, for example, most people are swiping for dates when they SHOULD be rehearsing lines for their upcoming CSI: Miami audition as Cadaver 1.) Sounds simple enough, right? For this guy, there is no physical detail or fetish too personal to lay on the line on Tinder. Look, if he took *IT* *OUT* I suggest swiping left for sanitary purposes alone.

Once you and your future co-star in The Notebook 2 mutually like each other, good news! But if he seems non-murdery and, you know, maybe foreign, crack open a Stella and get your groove back.

) I myself have been a part of this Tinder experiment for about six months.

Dog cocking his head sideways, eyebrows up; grown man holding two kittens up to ears to keep them warm; prospective future boyfriend rolling around on the grass with his puppy; man of your dreams slow-dancing with a husky.

Of course, you'll need to register if you wish write a message to a member, post in our forums, join a group, etc.

as we need to know who the message is to come from, but outside of personal interaction, you can do as you wish here without even registering.

Photo: Instagram If you haven't heard of Tinder, then congratulations: You are probably in a loving, monogamous relationship. And the best part about Tinder is you can people-watch without even putting a bra on. For every guy with a nice smile holding a shelter puppy is a dude in a fedora popping bottles at the local T. The "Only Here For Sex" Dude will make things pretttttty clear in his bio, usually by telling you what he's only there for.

(SWIPE LEFT) But those of you single and ready to swingle are probably well-versed in the dating app taking the world by storm. But, because of its ease of use and likelihood of being able to "get it in" on a bi-monthly basis, Tinder attracts all kinds. The more confident of this species may even list size if he is so inclined.

We dare you to find another site that works that way.